I’m coping- I’m lucky. I have food, a house, internet access, toilet roll! I’m getting paid still. And although I’m isolating because of my asthma I have friends fetching my meds, and keeping in touch. And generally I like my own company, so am probably better off on my own than in a group.
But it’s not easy. I just finished counselling with SARSVL and was due to start a weekly group with them, but that’s not happening. My GP isn’t really available- I’d had an appointment booked to discuss further mental health support after the end of my counselling- but by the time we spoke we were in lockdown and all she had to offer was ring 111 or the Samaritans. I laughed. She said “we are still here” but the reality is she only managed to get to calling me at nearly 7pm when I’d had a 5pm appointment, so she’s obviously swamped. It’s not possible to book an appointment online. They are offering only emergency appointments with whichever GP is on that day.
I’m aware things are starting to slip. To try to help I’ve started an online cbt course about managing anxiety through the replacement service for iapt. I’m walking with the dogs every day, but chaffing that it’s only once a day. I understand why, but being outside and walking is one of my major coping strategies.
I’m keeping busy round the house. My wardrobes are so damn tidy it’s almost creepy! I’m eating well, trying not to drink too much, keeping my routine as best as possible. I’m showered, in clean clothes and trying to be creative and positive. I’m setting small goals & acknowledging my achievements.
But still, I can feel it slipping.
I’m in tears often, and I’m starting to hear stuff again. No voices yet, just silly noises. But that’s often the first step. And my SH urges are back. I’ve not used SH since December. I worry if I start I won’t stop - after all, there’s no one here to see, no work colleagues to hide it from, no family going to visit, so what’s to stop me? Weirdly I also worry that I won’t SH, if that’s a coping that’s now lost to me, and if it is, what I’ll do instead.
And yet I know I’m one of the lucky ones, and I’m very grateful I can self isolate, and hugely grateful to those key workers who are taking the risks for us.
I feel useless.
I spent 18 months struggling to leave the house, did loads of work getting myself back out there, and now I’m home again. I do wonder what I’ll be like when this is over. Will I be able to go out? Will there be support if I struggle? Will my employer understand that I might not be able to get back into my job?  (07/04/2020)
All of a sudden I've had this label "extremely vulnerable" plastered all over me - in letters, texts and emails I'm reminded that I MUST stay indoors for 12 weeks. On the phone to my doctors there is real fear in their voices when they tell me I MUST stay indoors. The consequences of not doing so? I could die. And my fears, my anxieties, my OCD, all run round my head with the label "extremely vulnerable" and tell me that right now the world is a terrifying place for me. Until recently everyone was telling me to get outdoors, get to the gym, socialise, and it feels alien that all that has changed so drastically. I feel claustrophobic and scared and extremely extremely vulnerable - SH (09/04/2020)
In some ways my health both physical and psychological has deteriorated significantly but in one way it has improved however it is a false positive because I haven't changed it is because my situation has changed. I am experiencing a significant reduction in suicidal thoughts and behaviour (which is really good ) but I know this is only because I am not mixing with people. I know when I start mixing again they will return because as I say I have not magically changed. I am however liking not being suicidal ( who wouldn't) and using the time to work on changing my reactions to people to prevent going back into a world where someone looking at me funny can make me hysterical and suicidal. Probably doesn't make sense but it does to me - DR (13/04/2020)
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Really bad now not coping very well at this now even with going out for dog walks it's just not enough for me I can't keep busy enough to stop my mind - LE (14/04/2020)
I'm really struggling... SC (16/04/2020)
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I’m struggling with everything Covid right now. I’ve been sat in tears on the phone to my mum telling her my wishes if I contracted it and ended up in intensive care. I feel like some may think I’m overacting, but I’m a clinical support worker currently working in Covid-19 intensive care. We’ve had nurses die locally to where I live, then it showed all the healthcare workers who have died today as well as people who survive what it’s doing to them and will likely progress. It turns out my sister who does the same job to me but in another local hospital has told her the same thing, that we do not wish to be resuscitated if we crashed, now I feel guilty for telling her. My head's all over the place at the moment. I’ve gone into long days for the first time since before all my mental health problems/crisis and I’ve ended up doing another extra shift this week! I’m just trying to deal with everything on my own, which could be bad.
My heart fills with dread at work when I hear another person has passed away, I really hope things do start to get better soon!
Stay safe everyone please! (16/04/2020)
I've gone from having no urges just thoughts, to urges so strong I literally had to go to sleep in order to not act on them. I think it's only because of the medication I have no acted on them. I'm not sure I'll be able to keep the urges at bay much longer - SM (30/04/2020)
I’ve gone back to cutting. Home schooling and worries of infecting people from work are doing my head in - KG (30/04/2020)
I would just like to say that the Government are saying to vulnerable people to stay in for 12 weeks. People are helping the vulnerable (designated people from the council) with shopping etc medical needs. But like when I went to the shops last week, and this will be for alot of you guys, I had an anxiety attack just in the queue nevermind around the shop. People look at you weird, it's so degrading. My point is vulnerable health people get help. What about us with Complex or any Mental Health we ain't getting any help with shopping etc. The Government has forgot us, that's how I feel.  And we are just as VULNERABLE..... - Emma (07/04/2020)
Many of the key workers have health issues of our own both physical and mental, everyone is going gaga over the nhs but care/support staff are in just as bad a position. We are not getting any sort of additional help and many of us are struggling. My anxiety has gone so high lately, I'm still supporting so many people through online or calls and stuff but no one seems to realise I'm barely coping - TD (07/04/2020)
I thought I'd be ok during this lock down. But I originally set up Battle Scars to help myself and I really miss our groups and contact with our volunteers and the people we work with... and despite the work I still have to do and keeping busy and bringing out hobbies I haven't had the time to do for years, I'm struggling more and more. I miss our services and my purpose... - Jenny (02/04/2020)
Right now I'm feeling very vulnerable because I feel as trapped as I did when I were sectioned but I have to remember that I got through that and I can get through this too. If anything I learnt some valuable coping techniques that I've been using to manage my days and my mood such as creating a schedule for the day and making sure you have plenty of enjoyable activities to keep you busy.
I'm struggling more with my anxiety because I'm scared I'm going to get ill and because of this my cleaning compulsions are taking up a lot of the day, I panic when I have to go shopping and feel my panic is hard to manage on the best of days. My EUPD is really kicking me down because I feel abandoned by services and friends because I've not seen anyone face to face for a while, even though I know rationally this is not the case but its leading to intrusive thoughts around self harm and suicide. It's hard but some days are easier than others - HB (07/04/2020)
Only a few weeks ago was the world saying "be kind" if you're struggling with metal health troubles reach out. Yet that is a distant memory now. I'm not classed as vulnerable despite not being able to cope with how it has turned shops into Chaos , there's no quiet times for people with mental health struggles I physically and mentally cannot deal with the shops and therefore have given up going whilst fully aware of the consequences of not doing so, I don't have anyone to go for me and the people who would I wouldn't ask it of them as they have their own daily struggles to face.
Or the more simple reason I just don't care anymore.
For various reasons any goals i had have gone because of this virus, over dramatic or not this is my reality now, I have nothing to aim for and I don't see the end of this because people are still being dicks(couldn't resist but that's the only language I will put) and not taking it seriously. It will either get worse or extended further.
I have to decide whether to go back to my parents and all the risks that brings or to stay where I'm and not stand a chance getting through this mess.
But I'm not vulnerable....
I'm fine, I'm only slowly fading in stability. But no one is listening to that because I'm not at risk and others are more in need.
There is no "we're in this together" there is no compassion and there's certainly no rationale - Craig (09/04/2020)
It’s been very tough, I’ve been going out for walks when I can but it’s been really difficult keep myself distracted I try to stay positive but some days are tougher that others - OA (13/04/2020)
I have always thought positive thinking when you feel rubbish is a waste of time. But I have been listening to positive affirmations every day for a week (first thing on a morning and before bed when your brain is most susceptible to learning) just for 15 minutes and gotta say it does make a difference. I would have laughed at the suggestion not that long ago but am trying new approaches. If you don't already do it it may be worth a go. It's says you need to do it for at least 21 days but I am noticing a difference already - DR (14/04/2020)
Due to long term health conditions I’m been shielded since 16th March, so no walks apart from around my garden, I get a fortnightly call from my key worker,but otherwise alone, had off days but I’m coping better than I thought I would my only worry is will I ever feel comfortable again when we are allowed back out? - PD (15/04/2020)
Yes I am going out for a walk everyday. That helps a lot. Trying to create some kind of routine and keeping in touch with people. Thank goodness for zoom. Downloaded it so doing a lot of different activities via zoom - HM (15/04/2020)
I had a panic attack while out shopping, I haven't had a panic attack in such a long time, I'm struggling with distancing. Personally not a problem the problem is people not staying away from me - TD (16/04/2020)
It's [my mental health] definitely worse. I think the worse part is realising how alone I am. I don't really have familial support and have two good friends but they have their own life. It also gives me too much time to think negative thoughts - AR (17/04/2020)