I struggled with anorexia when I was 13 year old.
I lived in toxic and abusive household. I grew up in a very cultural household where my voice was never heard and most of my choices were made for me. I got called ‘ugly’, ‘fat’ and ‘useless’. I started to become depressed and started to believe to I was ugly, fat and useless.
not eating was my way of coping
I started to reduce my meals and my snacks. For me, not eating was my way of coping with things that was happening around me and I felt it was the only thing in my life that I had control over.
As I started my during into adulthood I ended up in my own toxic relationship, which where again I got called ‘fat’, ‘chubby’ and revolting’. The words used triggered how I felt in my younger age, which continued me not to eat or if I did eat I would make myself physically sick. This and other factors in my life hit an old time low for my mental health. I started to become ashamed, isolated myself and avoid going to social outings with others if food was involved. My physical health also took an Impact due to my eating disorder.
As I left my toxic relationships and started my recovery at the age of 24, I started to learn to love myself. I started a gratitude journal about the things I love about myself. At first it wasn’t easy for me to do, but the more I did it, the more easier it became. I also started to do positive affirmation about myself such as ‘I am good enough’, ‘I love myself’. I even seeked out help from professionals such as a dietician and counsellor.
I have beaten my eating disorder but know I fight a different battle
Four years on from the start of my recovery, I have beaten my eating disorder but know I fight a different battle. Now that I am on a healthy BMI scale and have put on healthy weight, I know get people assume that I am pregnant or get asked how many weeks I am or get asked if this my first. There have been moments when I hear these comments and I want to relapse or start to believe again that I am fat or chubby or worthless. But I tell myself “my worth is not defined by the scales” and “ I am enough, just the way I am”.
If you are in recovery from your eating disorder, I hope you are learning to heal, love and accept how amazing and brave you are. If you’re not quite at recovery just yet, that’s ok. Just remember asking for help is never a sign of weakness. It’s one of the bravest things you can do.
REMEMBER BE YOUR OWN KIND OF BEAUTIFUL!!!